Life with anxiety

Last week I spent 3 days away from Gryphen at the BlissDom Canada conference. I struggle with the decision to be away from Gryphen anytime it arises; the idea of missing something that she’s going to be experiencing for the first time is very tough for me. When I had Gryphen I suffered from Postpartum Depression which turned into really bad Postpartum Anxiety. I mean bad! My mother-in-law spent 3 weeks with us after Gryphen was born because I just couldn’t handle being around her. I had mixed feelings, regrets, uncertainty and overwhelmed emotions. We made the decision to bottle feed Gryphen, it was the best thing for all of us at the time. Devon took her out all the time with him, but I would struggle and have panic attacks when I was out with them. She was a month old before I even took her out by myself.
A month and a half after she was born we flew home for two months and that was the best thing for me. Being around Devon’s family I was able to focus on getting my head sorted out and I became much closer with Gryphen. That trip set me up for what type of mother I wanted to be to our daughter. I wanted to be the kind of mother I didn’t have. I promised myself I’d always put her first no matter the situation, I’d always support the decisions she made, even if I didn’t agree with them and I would be her biggest fan! I’d cheer her on during sports games, ballet recitals and whatever she wanted to take!
I don’t like talking about my childhood, I had no control over it; I was a child. My “mother” Pauline was 16 and my “father” Dave was 19, when they had my eldest brother. They got married under the wrong circumstances and she got pregnant because she felt that was the only way to get out of her parents house. How fucked up is that! Even more so hearing that from her. Well the marriage didn’t last (no surprise there) and she always had a train of men in her life. Pauline should have never had children. She never really grasp the importance of being a mother & how her actions would impact her children. I laugh when I think of who her next poor new victim will be! Dave was the first, lucky he’s still alive, after their divorce he met someone else who he was with until a few years ago. I stayed with him and Cheryl on and off while growing up. Cheryl taught me that I was a child and that I had to ask permission before just doing things, which I learned the hard way a couple of times! But she encouraged me and taught me with hard work I could achieve anything.
Cliff the second but was sucked back in after his escape. He was very outdoorsy and a lot of fun. Sadly he passed away while they were separated, I regret to this day not standing up for him when she brainwashed me into believing he was abusing her. She got every thing when he passed! Then there was Les, he was there for me during my last years of grade school and into high school. He would tell me I wasn’t good enough so I’d try harder, when Pauline left him I stayed. Sadly he is no longer with us. Are you noticing the trend?
The most recent was Jim. Jim was there for me when I needed a father. He never tried to get me to like him, he also never once broke my trust. I knew that I could tell him anything and that he believed in me, encouraged me. Having Jim in my life really helped shape who I’ve become today. When I told him I wanted to get Devon a gun, he helped me! Whenever we use that 22 I got from his brother Rick, it’s like having him here with me. Thanksgiving reminds me of being at the hunt camp, learning to use the bow and shooting birds! I knew with him that I always had a “home” something Pauline never provided me growing up. When I found out they were getting married, I told him I wouldn’t be able to attend, that he had my love but not my support. To this day I wish I would have went, maybe I could have talked him out of it, but it’s too late for that now. Summer 2013 he was taken from me by cancer, I sat at the hospital with him before it happened. Brought our favourite meal we shared together (sushi) for one last time. I’m sitting here crying remembering all the things that Jim taught me, knowing that Gryphen won’t ever know him but his memory will always live on. And I have his son Jamie to push me around and tell me how it is!
Pauline is no longer an active member of our family. She is not someone I want my daughter looking up to, as she is not a good role model. Shit I’d rather have Miley Cyrus babysitting her! With that being said, Gryphen has only been left with members of Devon’s family. We make sacrifices in our lives for me to be a stay at home mother. I suffer from anxiety that I contribute to my rough upbringing. I take medication and I’m an amazing mother and a pretty decent wife 🙂 I’ve been blessed with the most loving and supportive family and because of that I know I will break the cycle of the Robinson’s poor parenting.
I thank my family for being supportive, my dad for when I told him I was writing this he said “it’s better to be open, it allows us to grow”. He may not have been there every moment of my life but he’s been there for me when I needed him the most and that’s what really counts.

2 thoughts on “Life with anxiety

  1. Hey Stranger

    It takes a lot of time to get where you are. You are doing the work it takes to be a great mother. You have it in you. This gives me a new view into your life and helps me understand more of the pieces I could never put together. It takes a strong person to admit they have a weakness and fix it. We would never be angry about you remembering Jim in a good way. He should not be lost in our thoughts.
    We all take it one day at time and work towards being the best person we can everyday.
    Happy Turkey Day !! (This is always the hardest time of year for us as well)

    All My Love
    Jen

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